Top Five Birds That I Hate Today: Have You Seen These Foul Fowl? (Exclusive)

Mar. 15, 2025

Matt Kracht and his new book ‘A Dumb Birds Field Guide to the Worst Birds Ever; A Dumb Birds Field Guide to the Worst Birds Ever’.Photo:Courtesy of Matt Kracht; Courtesy of Chronicle Books

Courtesy of Matt Kracht; Courtesy of Chronicle Books

When PEOPLE graciously asked me to pick my five favorite bird species from my new book, I naturally said “yes!” because I am a people pleaser. However, the book is calledA Dumb Birds Field Guide to the WORST BIRDS EVER, so you can see my dilemma.

People (the human kind, not the magazine kind) are always asking me what my favorite bird is. This sounds like a simple question but, if you think about it, it’s an odd thing to enquire of someone who’s made a career of swearing at birds while pointing out their personality flaws.

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Courtesy of Chronicle Books

A better question might be “Hey, Matt, what is yourleastfavorite bird?” I never know how to answer that one because my least favorite bird at any given time iswhichever annoying prat happens to be in front of me. Whoever’s scolding me from a tree, evacuating their bowels onto my car, chattering away with their nonstop, cheerful blather, or just giving me a smarmy look from my own book —THATis my least favorite bird right now. I mean, you have to live in the moment, am I right?

Still, I am a professional, so I made a good-faith effort to choose my five favorite birds from theWorst Birds Ever. I mean, I tried, but it was like opening a great big sack of turds and trying to decide which five have the best personalities. So here are five birds that just suck, in order of who annoys me most today. I hope you approve.

01of 05

Stuperb Starling.Courtesy of Chronicle Books

There are exceptions to the fashion rule that blue and brown make a bad color combination, and the so-called Superb Starling is not one of them.

They do have a striking black cap and mask, but unfortunately (and rather embarrassingly) this small passerine appears to have been mismeasured for its plumage, because I see Paris, I see France, I see the clearly defined white gap between its blue breast and brown underparts. If I’m honest, this color-challenged dud looks like he’s wearing ill-fitted suit separates and has his briefs on display for god and everyone to see. In terms of fashion, the whole package is actually the opposite of superb.

Common to woodlands, scrublands, savanna and villages across most of East Africa, they can be found in small flocks, usually making a variety of noisy scolds and shrieks at anyone within earshot.

I guess that’s just the nature of their personalities, but ifmyshirt didn’t reach my pants, I would try to avoid drawing unnecessary attention to myself.

Bird Region:East Africa

BUMMR RATING

Fashion (blue + brown): - 3

I see Paris, I see France: - 8

Scolding/shrieking: - 45

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Superb?: No.

02of 05

Magnolia Bungler.Courtesy of Chronicle Books

Setophaga magnoliabreeds in the dense conifer forests of Canada but can be seen in the eastern half of the United States during the migratory season, when they make their way down to winter in southern Mexico, Central America and the Caribbean.

Though tiny, this boreal warbler is not difficult to spot — the male’s striking, high-contrast yellow and black markings would make this dumb [EXPLETIVE] conspicuous even if he weren’t constantly warbling his lungs out. WEETA-WEETA-WHEEEAT! It’s [EXPLETIVE] never-ending.

Males and females work together to build a nest of thin grasses and twigs. Nests are usually placed on a horizontal conifer branch less than 10 feet above the ground, which makes sense, given the careless, rickety appearance of their design. No one would be surprised if the occasional fledgling fell through a poorly constructed wall.

Bird Fact:The scientific name,Setophaga, comes from the ancient Greek words for“moth eating,” but the Magnolia Warbler is not so choosey; in addition to moths, caterpillars, butterflies, fruit, and spiders, this idiot is also known for eating parts of fir branches.

Bird Region:North and Central America, plus the Caribbean

Brains: n/a

Looks: Too much yellow?

Construction skills: 0.3

All that warbling: - 14.0

Bird-watchability: - 13.7 (Sigh.“No, thank you.”)

03of 05

Should-flush.Courtesy of Chronicle Books

Like most thrushes, the wood thrush is boring.

Look at this boring-ass brown bird. It is mostly brown on top and has a fat-looking white belly covered in boring brown spots.

The male and female look very similar to one another, making it hard to distinguish between them. But that doesn’t matter because no one can keep their attention trained on one of these boring [EXPLETIVES] for more than a second or two, anyway.

Some say that the male’s song is the most beautiful of all the thrushes. What does that even mean?

Description:I’ve already forgotten what it looks like.

Bird Region:Generally the right half of North America, but during the winter,H. mustelinaheads south to bore the hell out of Mexico and Central America.

Boringness: + 900

Brown: + 10

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Bore score: 910 (“100% Condensed Boredom”)

04of 05

Northern pinhead.Courtesy of Chronicle Books

Whereas most ducks average around 20 inches from head to tail, the Northern Pintail can measure up to 30 inches in length, but only because it has a pretentiously long neck. Honestly, what kind of duck needs a neck this long? It’s like this pinhead thinks he’s a swan or something.

When they’re not grifting off some poor farmer’s grain fields, these pintails feed like all dabbling ducks, plunging their heads and the top half of their bodies below the surface of the water. With their extralong necks, pintails can dabble deeper, which I guess would be a benefit if you like to eat gross pond weeds that normal ducks can’t reach.

Identification:They have blueish-gray bills. Males have brown heads, white throats and breasts, gray-and-white backs and long tails that are held upright. Other than that, just look for the duck with the stupidly long neck.

Bird Region:Broad distribution worldwide, migrating from Canada and the United States to Mexico, and northern Eurasia to Africa and Asia during the winter

Too much neck: - 30

Thinks he’s some kind of swan: - 60

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Duck Likability Score: - 90 (“Complete duckwad.”)

05of 05

Horn-dork.Courtesy of Chronicle Books

Holy [EXPLETIVE], this stupid lark is everywhere.

Actually, it is more like 42 larks in six different clades. Regardless of how you count them, they are widespread in the northern hemisphere, which is another way of saying that they have infested the whole top half of the globe.

They can be found on posts, rocks or any other low mound of dirt that they can sing from. Their song is a high-pitched tinkle of notes. It’s a soft and weak tinkle, but it can last up to a solid minute, so if there are more than one of them around, the cumulative aggravation value can be off the charts.

In Europe, this member of the familyAlaudidaeis called a shore lark, because it is found in wintertime along the seashores. In North America, it is called the horned lark, because it has horns and we call it like we see it.

Within their vast range, you will find these ground feeders running around everywhere from the mountains to the lowlands, all over farmlands, prairies, golf resorts and just about any other open ground in between … It’s like there’s no escaping this horned dipwad’s long, tinkly, weak-ass song.

Bird Region:Practically the whole top half of the world (except Africa, which has its own lark problems)

SpottingE. alpestris: +99

AvoidingE. alpestris-02

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Lark-free fun in North America: Approaching 0%

source: people.com